Santa, facing competition from
eCommerce and all those megastores, had to make some changes in his labor
relations techniques. He didn’t have quite the same kind of monopoly anymore.
One of the demands granted (at the insistence of those pesky elves) was an
annual review to determine pay increases. Below is the story behind Rudolph’s
review the year after he saved Christmas with “his nose so bright.”
Rudolph sat uncomfortably in his
chair on his side of the large desk. It was a padded chair, no better or worse
than most chairs. Unfortunately, it was built for humans (and elves), not for
four-legged reindeer. But when the big man told you to “have a seat,” that’s
exactly what you did.
The “big man” was, of course,
Santa Claus. The jolly man was seated across from him, his plump hands resting
on his ample belly. When he moved, his stomach rolled like a bowl of jam. No,
that wasn’t quite right. What was the word he was looking for? Well, it didn’t
really matter. Santa looked very business-like in a crisp tie and suit jacket.
The red suit was only worn on “THE DAY.” On normal work days he could be seen
on the grounds of North Pole Recreational Development dressed like any other
CEO of a global business.
However, Rudolph was confident that his Strategic Planning
and Performance Review would be a good one this year. Hadn’t he stepped in at
the last minute and averted near disaster? He’d shown leadership and execution.
Of course, it was poor contingency planning by Santa himself that had led to
the problem, but he didn’t see any advantage in bringing that up. No, he’d just
stand by his own record and bask in the rewards.
“Rudolph, glad you could make it. You know how I look
forward to these chats,” he said with an expansive smile. Santa then shuffled a
few papers in front of him and looked gravely at them. “Quite a year we had,
eh? Well, let’s get down to business.”
“There are a few key indicators, as you know, that I use
to evaluate all of my employees.” He raised one sheet from the rest and held it
before him.
“Let’s start with management skills. I’m afraid the
results from your team’s survey aren’t very good.”
Rudolph was caught off guard. He hadn’t expected any
problem in this area. He had replaced Dancer on Christmas Eve as head of the
distribution team. Without him, deliveries would have failed the world over.
What was the problem?
“Most of your staff said that you didn’t interact with
them enough and that you skipped recreational activities.” Here, he looked at
Rudolph over the edge of the paper, with a slight frown.
“But, but, Santa, they wouldn’t let me play in any of
their reindeer games,” Rudolph sputtered. He was in danger of losing his
composure already.
“Son, you have to be a leader if you’re going to guide my
sleigh at night. You can’t wait for them to invite you in, like you’re some
kind of intern. You’ve got to be proactive. I’m afraid you’re getting a
negative there.”
“Oh no,” thought Rudolph. What was happening? How could
Santa be criticizing him because the other reindeers had always ostracized him
because of his red nose? I mean, it’s not like Santa’s red nose, which was
caused by drinking too much wine all year. Rudolph had been born with his.
Abruptly, he realized Santa was talking.
“Let’s move on to your Presents Distributed measure. I see
that you reached your goal of 100 percent. I expected no less of you.”
Santa wasn’t exactly smiling, and Rudolph couldn’t tell if
he had been complimented for his achievement or not.
“However, I see that you achieved that entirely in the
second quarter. Now, does that seem like the most efficient method?”
What in the world was Santa talking about?
“Don’t you think we’d be better off spacing out the
deliveries over all four quarters, putting less of a burden on production, and
reducing the stress on your team? I’m sure we could find ways to decrease costs
with a new distribution schedule. For three quarters distribution is zero. I’m
afraid that doesn’t meet my expectations.”
Rudolph was sweating now. His head was spinning. What in
the world was going on here? He was being penalized because Santa delivered all
of his toys on Christmas Eve? The reindeer didn’t have any say at all in that.
He needed to say something.
He stood up and started to speak. Before he got the first
syllable out, Santa stared at him and said, “You would like to add something?”
The words themselves didn’t seem that threatening. But the way he said them
indicated that pointing out that the old man himself made the schedule wasn’t
going to help matters at all.
Instead, Rudolph said “But you only put me in charge of
the team on Christmas Eve, and service distribution was set. Dancer made up
these measures, and he was in charge of implementing them up until the night
before Christmas.”
Here, Santa smiled a little and put his checklist down.
“Now Rudolph,” he said, holding his hands up, palms facing outward. “You are in
his position. You’re performing his duties. It certainly wouldn’t be fair to
anyone, least of all yourself, to not hold you to the same standards as your
predecessor. We’d have an uneven playing field. I think we need to go with the
measurements we have in place. We can change them for next year if you feel the
need. We’ll just have to put down another negative check mark here.
Rudolph didn’t know what to do. Arguing with Santa never
worked, and he was watching the amazing job he’d done blow away like dead
leaves in the wind. Santa was already moving on.
“Now, let’s look at preparedness.” Rudolph felt a sinking
feeling in his stomach. The way Santa was going, he didn’t have a chance on
this one.
“A foggy night nearly cancelled Christmas. Imagine the
heartbroken children everywhere. I’d think that Product Distribution would have
coordinated with OEM to be prepared for bad weather. I mean, we know the date
of delivery each year, right? We have the finest radar system this side of
NORAD up here. Emergency Management would have told you about the impending bad
weather, allowing you to take proactive action.”
This was like a bad dream. How in the world could he be
blamed for this? On Dec 23, he was working in the petting zoo. The bad weather
rolled in the afternoon of the 24th, and Santa promoted him that
evening. He didn’t even get a practice run with the team. He felt he had to
speak.
“Santa, I wasn’t on the team until you hooked me up to the
sleigh. How could I have done anything about this?” He noticed his voice was
quavering.
Santa stood up and walked over to the window, his hands
clasped behind his back. In a steely but level voice, he said: “You aren’t
going to blame Dancer again, are you? I thought we already went over this. You
have the fellow’s job. Now you want to besmirch his record and blame your own
shortcomings on him? That’s not the
mark of a team player.” He turned to face him now.
What would you know about being a team player, thought
Rudolph. Have you ever considered dropping a hundred pounds to help out those
of us pulling the sleigh? No, you just eat every cookie laid out for you on the
trip.
Something must have showed on his face, because Santa
said: “Is there something you want to add, son? This is your review, you know.”
The tone didn’t imply he really wanted to hear anything.
Rudolph was in a no-win situation. If he sounded off, he
might lose his job. And despite this review, it was a good job. “No Santa, I
have nothing to add to your analysis.”
The smile returned to the big man’s face. “Very good.
Let’s see what we have here.” He went down the list again. “Oh my. It would
seem, from the evidence in front of me, your score is a DID NOT MEET.”
Rudolph blanched at this. The last reindeer that had
received this score had been demoted to kitchen duties and was never seen
again. Every reindeer at the Pole knew about it and feared such an event.
“Well, you did step in at crunch time and delivered,”
Santa said. “That certainly should count for something, and it was your first
year on the job. I’m sure you’ll improve on things this year. Tell you what.”
Here he paused, and Rudolph looked at him expectantly, hoping not to pass out.
“We’ll make that MET EXPECTATIONS. How about that”
Rudolph exhaled deeply. There would be no one-way trip to
the kitchen. He muttered his thanks to Santa, signed the form, and hobbled out
of the office.
After he was gone, Santa sat at his desk and smiled. That
had been a tough one. Without Rudolph, the whole enterprise would have imploded
last Christmas. He should have been ready for bad weather. Thank goodness that
screwy red nose of Rudolph’s had been around. But you had to stay on top of
these employees. Had he received an EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS, who knows what would
have happened the next time there was an emergency? Staff might have made
demands. Good lord, the elves might even attempt to unionize. Wouldn’t that be
a mess! No, the old man had deftly handled this situation. Rudolph would work
every minute between now and Christmas Eve, and he wouldn’t cause any trouble.
Santa loved the SPPR system.
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